Dear over-cooked neurodivergent mama, in baring my soul, may you find Grace in your mess too.

If I were to be completely transparent - which I intend to be here - I find myself often ashamedly, hard-wired to expect the worst.

Neurodiversity isn’t the cause of this often perceived “negative” way of thinking, however having a brain that has never had a filter to the onslaught of the world and my environment, both internal and external, leaves Lady Anxiety open slather to creep in and suffocate the gentle undulations of  ‘Joy’.

Parenting a child with Combination AuADHD (aka. ‘The ring of fire’) frequently yields unexpected flare ups, intense moments of irrational and undiffusable defiance and emotional curve balls has racked up extended miles on my nervous system.

And, with no discredit or disrespect to my mother or father (who loved and supported me wholeheartedly), my childhood was also weaved with moments of uncertainty, upheaval and its own brand of dysfunction that has impacted me from my formative years. In a nutshell, my nervous system has been switched to "on" for a long, long time.

If you think I am painting my life or greatest loves in shaded light, I can assure you, I’m not.  I have a love for my family beyond measure, they are incredible, precious souls, yet we all share a complex set of neuro-differences which impact our behaviour and perspective -  all of which takes additional energy to navigate. 

Lately, I have had my eyes opened to a brand new awareness of my overused, inner alarm system. I have realised that as much as I have an uncanny ability to WILL myself through the chaos, OVER the defiance, and UNDER moments of the intense dysregulation which comes as we embark on new adventures - it can have a heavy cost.  

Like I have many times before though, from the ashes of daily chaos, I rise again and give myself Grace, to admit this:

• I don’t cope well with change into overstimulating environments.  I know now that holding up kids who are not coping with unexpected situations weakens my armour considerably, leaving my mental health part-naked and vulnerable.  I used to think I was weak in mind because of this, but I now understand that my brain loathes the free-fall sensation of uncertainty, and I need to have measures well in place to manage this. 

  
  

• I don’t cope well with loud, intrusive noises, or conflict.  Lately, this has included the high frequency of hearing my children frequently fight and bemoan each others existence and my husbands love for over-loud music.  It is not because I am too soft, or fragile, but that I am a human invariabley triggered by noise, confrontation and heightened voices.  It is part of who I am, my history and my being, and this obstacle will now become another part of the ‘work’ that I need to continue within. 

  
  

• I can get easily sucked in to the vortex of chaos in my midst.  It is not because I am incompetent, or that by character I love a fray (I actually don’t), but because my hair-trigger nervous system has been geared in ‘fight’ for too long.  I crave harmony in the deepest sense, and I need to allow myself to dive deep and seek it when the waves around me suddenly rise. 

  
  

• I can worry deeply, oh so deeply, about how my children are feeling & coping when they are dysregulated.  I need to surrender thought, that these are in fact experiences that they NEED to navigate, feel and live through, and that their learning to live in this world, is as much about the hard stuff, as the easy.

  
  

• I have the deepest need to be in complete control my environment.  When my children were small, I knew that the right food, the right sleep and the right routine meant that the unfavourable, uncomfortable elements of ADHD could be pacified, and tamed.  

  
  

• Yet now as my neruordivergent family mature, this grip I have needs to be loosed by my own understanding, because the more I hold on to what once worked, the more frayed I become.  I now see that learning how to align and flow with this new dynamic. is simply part of the next chapter of my story. 

  
  

• And last of all, I awakened once again, to the reality that “our normal” as humans and parents walking alongside neuro-different souls, is markedly contrasted to what others experience within their four walls, and deserves no comparison.  When I catch myself yearning and searching for a way to get that greener grass, I need to draw myself back into the richness of my own pastures.  While they often appear churned up and sometimes aesthetically unpleasing, they yield seeds of growth, wisdom and an understanding of humankind that some never get to experience, let alone then have the privilege to use to one day, help others. 

  
  

It wasn’t easy to unpeel each layer of realisation and speak of it so frankly to you here, but I also know the impact of honesty in this realm of parenting serves great purpose too. 

So, in the wake of all this, I welcome a new place of learning for me, with open arms, I embrace a new focus.  It is my turn to re-learn about my on my one, and very precious soul.  As unsettling as it’s been to bear witness to the shape I add to this delicate family puzzle, I know that what I have learned will only help, not hinder, who I am, and have always been destined to be.

With love,

Susanna x