What no one tells you about 'school anxiety'.

I’m not kidding, there have been more than a few times that I have phoned the school to ask my kids teacher if anything unusual is happening in regards to my child's behaviour in the classroom.

Usually, I will be answered with “No, Everything is fine! Your son/daughter has actually been doing really well and was participating beautifully today …. Why do you ask Susanna?”

“Oohhhh, just because things have been a little errrr…… intense and out of sorts at home…. and I just wanted to see if anything like that was happening at school…”,

When in fact I’ve meant;

“I have brought home a miserable child every day this week who is irritable, impulsive, and has just melted into a blithering mess on the floor because I asked him to feed the cat”.

I find myself, along with millions of other parents, forgetting the thousands of mental obstacles our little ones face throughout a day at school.

In one, 6 hour day, a child must navigate a myriad of social nuances and cues.

They are also expected to focus more intently, follow rules, move and fidget less, as well as hold in all the overwhelm that can come from this new sensory onslaught.

In one school day, a sensitive child uses a huge amount of additional energy to process & filter all this extra internal feedback. Why? So they fit in with what is ‘expected’ in the school environment and appear externally, as though its all in their stride.

Yes, it is important to learn these skills to function in society in our later years, however there MUST be a place and way for these intense feelings to release & decompress, which usually happens .... you got it.... AT HOME!

A child's still developing mind & nervous system is still learning how to cope with all the compressed energy so when they land in a safe, familiar environment with humans they know love them unconditionally, you'll get what we call in our house, “THE REBOUND”

THE WHAT???

Yep, exactly as it sounds, 'The rebound'.

Just think, there is no vessel - natural or man-made - that can compress huge amounts of energy and not, at some stage, erupt without maintenance or intervention.

We are no exception.

So, as our children release emotional pressure from their school-day-experience we need to remember that we are simply a veritable padded cell in which they can cast off their social/emotional armour, and a place where they can switch their nervous system from a high level of “on”, to a much dimmer “unarmed”.

The hardest thing to remember sometimes, is that you are specially chosen to cop the force of this because your child feels safe with you. Yes, even if you have your turn in losing your cool, you are someone, with whom, they feel deeply and unconditionally attached.

As challenging as it can be to be confronted with 'The rebound”, this emotional outlet is crucial to our sensitive childs emotional health. Allowing them to let a day of suppressed feelings catch up with them, is part of a healthy emotional recovery process.

Sounds crazy, but in our little ones, right up to our adolescence, I believe this to be true.

THINGS THAT CAN HELP A CHILDS SCHOOL-DAY RECOVERY, AND KEEP YOUR SANITY INTACT TOO!

Personally, I have learned to ask less.

Instead of direct questions, I defer to “did anything exciting or cool happen today?”

It's less confronting and feels less interrogating to a fried brain. When they say “no”, I’ve learned to just leave it.

On the other hand, if they offer it to me, I lap it up like a thirsty pooch!!!

If we have no extra curricular activities on, I let them decompress with something that engages them in their own little dopamine playground (aka, doing something that they find delight in, that helps them unwind from the day).

For my older child, that might look like time on his favourite game. I know the jury is often out on this topic, however I have found that if it is done with agreed set time boundaries, it can be very helpful in helping my son unwind.

For my youngest, it often looks like a spell of pretend play - in fact it's not uncommon for her to role play the day at school with her teddies, sending the “naughty” kids to the principals office!

Other things that I have found helpful for gently uncoiling an overflow of accumulated emotions are;

• Listening to some favourite tunes in the car on the way home. This one is often a winner for us and can really flip the script!

• Reading a favourite story.

• Drawing or creating some art.

• Swinging at a park.

• Climbing a tree.

• Time alone.

• Cuddling/smelling a favourite teddy.

• Looking for bugs outside.

• Hitting a tennis ball against a wall.

• Jumping on the trampoline.

• Playing a simple card game like Uno, snap or memory (this is awesome to get your child back into the "upstairs brain").

• At the end of the day, we pull out our 'Every Day I'm a Rainbow' cards and pick all the feelings we experienced. If the mood is right, we chat about each one, and reasons they might have happened. (We also love the "throw your worries away" card - this has been a game changer on tough days!)

…even 10 mins engaging in these kind of actives can help. What works on day might not work the next, but I honestly feel that it is SO worth the try!

In understanding why the “the Rebound” happens and why it's so important for our children to have this release, we not only foster more resilience as parents to cope with it's onslaught, but also gain confidence in knowing that we ARE NOT FAILING, nor is there something “wrong” with out child!

In fact dear mum and dad, its quite the opposite. In being able to hold space for them now, you are investing in a lifetime of emotional wellbeing later :)

Every day I'm a rainbow - Emotional awareness cards

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I wish I'd known more about emotional 'masking' & the need for decompression in my earlier years of mothering - it would have spared me so much confusion and self doubt. In sharing what I have learned from personal experience & professional guidance, I hope you find insight and reassurance in your parenting journey. ~ Susanna Shirtcliffe, Author (Every Day I'm a Rainbow cards)